TRUE LIFE: I'm Human

So, I'm tired of being told by everybody that I need to stop holding everything in. That at some point if you don't let it ALL out, its gonna kill you. Its already created a battle in my mind & thoughts and is starting to spill over into my emotions, affecting my everyday life. So, I've decided to let it out...

1- I spent the weekend (at my grandma's request) at my church's "family friends fun day", yet it wasn't so fun for me. I feel like I've been away and out of touch so long that I don't really know anybody there. Those that attended when I was growing up have since moved on and those there now, I really just don't know; (but would really like to get to know) So, it makes it hard to get involved as much as I want to b/c i'm afraid to go at it alone. But I promise myself right now, I will give it more of an effort.

2- I also spent some time this weekend at the Forsyth County Jail, well, the lobby as my grandma and great aunt went to visit my uncle in the infirmary. He has really bad pneumonia (which was a result of being locked up) and I feel bad that he does but believe that its his fault for getting himself in that situation. This has been a re-occurring theme in my family with him for a LONG time now. At some point you get fed up and say enough is enough! And you want to just forget about him and go on with your life. Does that make me wrong for thinking that?

3- I'm afraid of Love, ...well, not love, just the wrong love. I want as much as the next person to find someone that I truly love, care about, and want to spend the rest of my life with. But in the process of finding that "one", I end up cheating myself, hurting them, and possibly losing out on a bunch of great relationships & friendships all because I'm afraid (there's that word again) that its not "the right person". So I don't allow myself to really get close to them and really know them. I say I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect, but sadly I think I really am. I say I want someone that shares my spiritual beliefs (b/c how can a man lead his household if he has no relationship with God?) and someone who shares my level of intelligence. This one is big for me... b/c sometimes I feel like I'm "too smart" for some of the guys I've dated. I think thats a terrible thought to have, but I have them. I mean don't get me wrong I'm no genius and i don't expect him to be, but isn't it imperative for him to have the skills to provide for his family? An education (nothing against country grammar, but can you talk the talk of corporate america (i.e. a complete grammatically correct sentence?), A steady job with benefits (insurance at minimum because an accident can change your whole life in a second... belief me, i know.), A decent credit score (b/c without it you can't get anything in this country... watched the news lately?), and just a general sense of what it takes to make it in the world (demonstrated by you being able to take care of yourself on your own consistently). Maybe I just expect too much, b/c much is expected of me... sigh :/

4- I've become lazy. I told my mama yesterday that something was wrong with me. That I use to do it all in high school/part of college... but now, I do nothing. I'm not as involved. I'm not as athletic/active. I don't do the hobbies I use to enjoy. Is it my illness? Is that what happens with age? You just push to 25 and then digress. There are so many things I wish I could do. I want to do. I need to do. But I don't because I'm afraid of failing. (I think) Since I was young people have been proud of me. Told me that I'm gonna be successful. That they expect nothing but great things from me. That's a lot of weight to carry around. No where along the way did anybody say I love that you tried and its okay that you messed up. That you didn't make the cut. That next time you'll get it right. So, today I'm promising myself something else... I'm gonna go out and "do" and attempt to be great. But if I leap and fall, I pray that there's somebody there to help me up, scrape the dirt off my knees, and say nice try, offer me advice, and tell me to go again.

5- I miss my father. I think about him often. What life would be like if he was still around. I want to say I'm sorry. Even though there were times when he hurt me, I know I hurt him too. And there's nothing I can do to really make it right. And yes Sherrell, Christina's song is exactly how I feel and thats why I like it.

6- I'm scared for my mama. Her lifestyle is affecting her health. She has high blood pressure and metabolic syndrome. And honestly is headed straight for a life with type 2 diabetes. I really don't want that for her. But I don't know what else I can do to stress the importance for her to take control of her health and change her eating habits and find an exercise regime. Anything! I feel like she's all I got but if she doesn't decide that she wants to change, then she wont be around long. And I don't think I can live without her.

7- My life is driven by fear. It's been the most consistent thing through each of these confessions.